Oh to die a thousand deaths and live a thousand lives. That’s really what we’re here for isn’t it? To try and fail, to try and succeed, to try and realise - maybe we don’t actually want to do that but at least we gave it a go. To grow and learn through lesson, propel forward and pull back, to cocoon and chrysalis and bloom over and over again. To experience, to change, to transform - to die and be reborn - isn’t that all life really is?
We are constantly put in an arena of death and rebirth in this world. This cycle is beautiful thing, however, most of us get caught up holding onto the past. Past lives, past versions of self, past energy, past relationships, past hopes, past dreams, past understandings - the list goes on. When we stay attached to the past or when we refuse to let go of the parts of us that no longer serve us, when we refuse to acknowledge the parts of us that are slowly rotting or decaying, we create opportunity for that decay to spread. We let it spread to all of us, to rot the very roots off our tree and destroy the new blooms that are working so hard to push through.
When we hold onto the past we’re holding onto comfort, now that comfort may not seem comfortable, you may be sitting there thinking “I’m so ready to change, I’m so ready to grow, I’m so ready to let all of this go” but you still have a firm grip on the rope, clutching onto it for dear life, terrified to let go and fall into new land, new energy, new life. You hold onto trauma and the parts of yourself that identify so closely to that pain, you hold on to sadness and the ways that grief remove you from life, because if you were to fully insert yourself back into life you wouldn’t know where you fit, you wouldn’t know how to go back to your old life, old ways, old days and the kicker is, even if you did let go, you’re never going back.
When we go through portals of change, transition and transformation, we are not expected to be the same on the other side, when we approach a portal of transformation we are being asked by spirit, soul and source to die. Not literally die, but figuratively, lay to rest who we were and what we knew. We are asked to hold a funeral, a service for self and just like a real funeral we are given space to grieve, mourn, to reflect, to laugh, to cry and most importantly to say goodbye. Just like a real funeral we are taught that even though some parts of us must die to bring in new life, we are never without them. We are a taught that those versions of self are still with us. They aren’t gone forever, they just take a different form now. When we lay flowers on the grave of the person we used to be, we allow ourselves to step into an era of new life. But, just like a real funeral, it hurts to let go, it hurts to say goodbye and it can be terrifying thinking about how you’re going to navigate life, without the person who you’re mourning - even more so when that person is yourself.
But the other side, the other side of all this is so sweet. Have you ever been to a psychic and had a reading, got in touch with a loved one who had died and heard what they have to say about the other side?? Heard their raving reviews about life after death, how there is nothing to fear, all the pain is gone and the light is so bright, the love is overflowing, the energy is immaculate?? That review is no different to the ones that the living give, after symbolically dying. Yes the portal of death is daunting, but oh, the other side is so rewarding and when we give ourselves the grace to move through it, to mourn and to re-emerge renewed we create a whole new path, a whole new chapter, we step into a new energy and embrace that parts of us that have we have so long been waiting to become.
I think often about the process of caterpillar to butterfly and how closely it mirrors the process of death and rebirth for the soul. Just like the caterpillar, we build our arenas (cocoons) unsure of why we’re doing it or what will come from it but we build it and eventually we walk into - its dark, its pitch black and all of a sudden we’re thinking “what have I done???? Where am I ???? Who am I??? How do I get out” much like a caterpillar that first enters the cocoon we push and push and force in the wrong direction, we bury ourselves in fear and worry, we try with all our might to get out the same way we came in but no matter how hard we try we can’t escape, we think we’re gonna be paralysed in this darkness forever and we reach for any control we can get, we do everything we know to do, every trick we’ve ever been taught but nothing works, nothing helps, none of the old ways are healing how they used to and we’re exhausted. It’s in this moment of exhaustion, this moment of what feels like “giving up” it’s in this moment of surrender that we let ourself go and our soul take over. Just like the caterpillar, when we stop fighting against the process, when we surrender to spirit, when we’ve been in the darkness for so long we no longer recognise light - that’s when it seeps in.
When the caterpillar stops trying to escape and lets itself turn with the opposing direction of the cocoon it finally chrysalises and emerges a butterfly. Unrecognisable from the creature that crawled into that cave, now with wings, with flight, with new energy and new life. When we enter a portal of death or transformation, it is only when stop fighting against it or trying to control the outcome of it that we allow ourselves to surrender and re-emerge a butterfly, when we transform or transition we have to give ourselves space to rest, to reflect and to receive all that change may foster. The whole process, every single step is so necessary, with every moment we spend fighting we are gaining more and more strength, the strength that we need to move into new life, the strength that we need to let go, the strength that we need to face light after being protected by darkness for so long. The hardest part of a death and rebirth portal is not the dying - its learning how to live on the other side of that death.
The cycle of death and rebirth is not an easy one to navigate, I mean the propensity and potential of change can be enough to make most pull back from every swaying away from what they know, so to fully embrace change, to let it transform you and to let it kill you (symbolically) so that you can be reborn unto a new path, into a new life, to move through a portal of exponential loss, growth and renewal isn’t always a walk in the park. However, it is necessary for our survival, necessary for our soul, necessary for ourself and necessary for the world around us. Just like nature, spirit and stars we must move through cycles of death to be fully reborn.